An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
