He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
