my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
