well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
