Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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