She is in my trunk
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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