dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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