is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
