I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
