Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
