I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
