Joe is yelling at the trees again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
