Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
