I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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