omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
