Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
