So drunk its hurt
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
