mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
