i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
