Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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