one two three fourrrrnication!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
