My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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