My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
