3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I met the friendliest cop last night
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
