Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
