you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
