how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
