dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
