i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
