I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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