It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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