We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
