i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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