his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
