Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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