This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize