I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
