Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
