you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
