My hair reeks of homosexuality.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
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haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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