omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
