i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
