...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
