I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
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This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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