This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
