I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
