the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
