Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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