cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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