When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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