I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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