I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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