Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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