Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
