come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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