omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
