if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's shark week go big or go home
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
