I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
